Unpolished Recovery
From Darkness to Light: Deidra's Recovery
Discover the real-life challenges and victories of overcoming addiction as Deidra shares her story of relapse and recovery. Addiction’s deceitful nature can make individuals feel invincible even as they spiral downward, but Deidra’s experiences emphasize the importance of a strong support system. From confronting legal consequences to utilizing resources like those at Restoration House, Deidra provides valuable insights on maintaining sobriety and achieving personal transformation.
In this heartfelt conversation, we delve into the profound impact of recovery on personal and familial relationships. Deidra reflects on her past, including her time in prison, and expresses gratitude for the opportunities and self-improvement she has attained. Her journey of rebuilding family ties and gaining self-respect, especially reconnecting with her son, serves as a powerful testament to resilience and the transformative potential of dedicated support programs. Join us for an episode filled with stories of growth, perseverance, and the ongoing effort required in recovery.
Discover the real-life challenges and victories of overcoming addiction as Deidra shares her story of relapse and recovery. Addiction’s deceitful nature can make individuals feel invincible even as they spiral downward, but Deidra’s experiences emphasize the importance of a strong support system. From confronting legal consequences to utilizing resources like those at Restoration House, Deidra provides valuable insights on maintaining sobriety and achieving personal transformation.
In this heartfelt conversation, we delve into the profound impact of recovery on personal and familial relationships. Deidra reflects on her past, including her time in prison, and expresses gratitude for the opportunities and self-improvement she has attained. Her journey of rebuilding family ties and gaining self-respect, especially reconnecting with her son, serves as a powerful testament to resilience and the transformative potential of dedicated support programs. Join us for an episode filled with stories of growth, perseverance, and the ongoing effort required in recovery.
Welcome back to Unpaused Recovery. My name is Trey. Most stories of recovery start with how bad addiction was, how they entered recovery and how great life is now. That's a polished story.
Speaker 2:My name's Chris. I'm your co-host of Unpaused Recovery. Thank you for checking our episode out. Today we have a great guest Deidre. Do you want to tell us a little bit about yourself? Um, deidre, uh, do you?
Speaker 3:want to tell us a little bit about yourself, just uh, kind of where you're at today. Um, yeah, I have 18 year old son. I absolutely adore him. He is one that I'm doing recovery for myself, but I look for at him to where I'm going and where I want to be at and just show him that where I've been doesn't have to be where I've got to stay. And so what exactly do you do for a living? Now I will be working for a paramedic company. We will be taking patients back and forth to the hospitals, dialysis patients on calls. As far as I know, that's it. Um, I start my new job tomorrow and I'm very super excited about it.
Speaker 2:I know you've been working towards this for uh sometime with the training and, forgive me, I don't know much about that field, Cause the only thing I know about it is when I've overdosed and wrote in the back of the ambulance. So outside that it's limited. So are you an EMT or is there a title for that position?
Speaker 3:I'm not necessarily sure on the title, but I did have to get my certification in CPR first aid. We do an EVOC course tomorrow. I had to get my F endorsement on my license to be insured through the company just in case anything happens. But you do ride in the back with the patients and then there will be a driver. There's always two people most of the time in the ambulance, with someone.
Speaker 2:Well, they should give you a title if you have to get all that yeah, I mean then Well, I'm happy for you.
Speaker 2:I know you've been working towards it like I said. So just a quick overview. You are a Level 3 participant in our program. I am Level 3. And you're also a peer leader. You just recently took a position within the program. We call them leads, but a peer leader that's someone that has shown that they're working a solid program. They follow the rules to the best of their ability, and then you're kind of the person, the first person, that really spends time with a new participant, getting them situated, adjusted to the program. What's that whole thing been like? Have you learned some things about yourself you didn't know? Or has it presented new challenges, new growing opportunities?
Speaker 3:I think it's a little bit of everything. I haven't really had any brand-new participants coming in yet, which I hope we're getting some soon, but the girls and us over there right now, um, I try to be patient more than anything. You know listen, um, like anybody that comes to me that know that they can talk to me about anything, um, and if they need help I'm there, and if I don't know the answer, I'll make sure I'll get it for them you know, and I'm right there along with them the whole way.
Speaker 3:You know I'm doing this just like they're doing it.
Speaker 2:So one other part you know, part of the that peer leader position is that you have to hold people accountable Absolutely, which is, you know, even years ago when I first did it, making sure that everyone, at least in your assigned area, is working the program. What's that been like having to hold people accountable.
Speaker 3:Well, everybody doesn't seem to, you know, sometimes want to be held accountable, but you know that's life and regardless of anything we do at first, you know that's life and regardless of anything we do. At first you know You're fine. Sorry, but it's a learning experience, I think, for both me and them. But it's just something we've got to do. We're learning in this process and we've got to be held accountable for everything we do, regardless if it's from making our bed to a big life process. You know, it's just what we do.
Speaker 2:It's definitely an adjustment.
Speaker 3:It is an adjustment yeah, it is.
Speaker 2:But I agree Accountability, regardless if you're working a recovery program, it doesn't matter if you're still in a halfway house, sober living treatment that accountability part's crucial. I still have it in my life today. I have a group of people that hold me accountable. But so you know, I'm wanting to paint a picture of who you really are. So I wanted to talk about some of the good things first, just so that that someone doesn't know you that hears your story can just see how far you've came in a short period of time. Uh, we've met you as soon as you come in the program. You're pretty compliant, you followed the rules. I just got the impression that you were tired, uh, that you didn't want to do your way anymore. So, as far as participants go, you've been one of the easier ones not a lot of pushback, but I know that you also had a lot of growing opportunities. I know that you've had some obstacles come up just since the time you've been here, but how long were you in active addiction?
Speaker 3:I was in active addiction on and off for 15 years, maybe 15 to 18 years. I did go through a 10-year sobriety point, went through a little bit of difficult times through there, relapsed, which led me here and that's where I'm at right now. You know I didn't want to use it. It's how my life has gone so far. Um get back in addiction and it doesn't go nowhere but South from there once I get back in it, because I couldn't stop Um, and then that's. That's where I'm at right now.
Speaker 2:Did you have a drug of choice, or was it kind of just whatever was available?
Speaker 3:No, my drug of choice was any kind of opiates which, when I went back out there, which was fentanyl, which is super strong, that was something I didn't know too much about. Thankfully, I kind of come where I am right now, before it got too bad because it was getting stronger. Out there I seen friends, and my brother as well, od quite a bit. I luckily never did, but you know, that doesn't mean that I couldn't have.
Speaker 2:We're close in age, I may be a couple years older than you, but my drug of choice was opiates too. But when I used years ago it was just a different game. Then I was joking with someone the other day I wouldn't make it a week in today because the fentanyl, the carfentanil, the xylosine, those things weren't really as abundant as they are now. But you know, with participants, especially opiate addicts, it's a death sentence. It's Russian roulette every time they go. But you know it's happening all around us. So it is a motivation to get clean.
Speaker 3:It is all around us. So it is a motivation to get clean, because it is I um right before um I, you know. Come to the program I had. There was something that I had gotten and it's probably the strongest thing I've ever done in my life and it scared, scared me to death. I mean, it really scared me to death, and that's it's a good thing.
Speaker 2:I bet, uh, you know just uh, that we literally could only have one more time. Absolutely, that scares me to death as well. So, uh, you said you had 10 years clean. Like what did you do to what was going on in those 10 years? Like how did you get clean and sober and stay clean and sober?
Speaker 3:well, um, I had right before that 10 years I had done five years in prison. I don't count that part of my 10 years. I got out. You know I was on parole for two years after that. I wanted to finish my. I had never finished out anytime. I'd been on probation.
Speaker 3:You know I was in and out back and forth in incarceration, but this time I'd been on probation. You know I was in and out back and forth in incarceration, but this time I wanted to do it. I got a job, I had a great support system, but I just lived my life and I didn't. It took steps, but I did change the way I lived, the people I was around. I moved out of my hometown, I got married. I didn't work. I feel like if I would have kind of done things a little bit different which I can't change that now, but you know, going to meetings and stuff like that but I kept myself busy and that's really how I did it, even though I did relapse. But that's not how I think about it. It was. It was a great 10 years, but it was work, it was progress every day because I was still around it at work and stuff like that, but I really didn't associate myself with the people, even at work. I didn't have even discussions about it.
Speaker 2:So once you uh, once you did relapse, how long did it take before everything? You know all that work you put in for 10 years and I'm sure you built a pretty good life from what you're telling us. Uh, once you relapsed, how long was it before that? You know you're at the point that you needed treatment.
Speaker 3:It took me from the time I relapsed to I got incarcerated again. It was almost two years, but it happened way before that, probably about a year. It was slow but it still happened, really in the blink of an eye. When I look back at it because I didn't even think when I first relapsed I was in total denial that I had relapsed I'm thinking, oh, this is okay In my mind, I'm recreational, but I'm not. It's every day. I didn't have a job, I lost my car. I had moved back in with my parents my son really wasn't talking to me that much, we lived together but he saw a change in me and then, before I knew it, I was in legal trouble. I mean, just everything I had worked so hard to get was gone and I was right back at ground zero from when I went to prison. That first time I was right there again.
Speaker 1:You said that you had convinced yourself it was recreational drugs. When was a point in time that you could pinpoint like nope, this is not recreational.
Speaker 3:Well, when my parents just really didn't want me there my son wasn't talking to me, I had nothing. I didn't even have a dollar to my name that was mine. And then the people that I was surrounding myself with was the same kind of people I am at this point, was the same kind of people I am at this point, and it was just. It was an awakening. But I did at one point reach out before I got in trouble. I started calling around the halfway houses, just anything, to ask for help, because I knew, like it was, I was just breaking, just breaking down, but it was. I couldn't get in anywhere and instead of continuing to ask for that help, I just went back, staying where I'm at.
Speaker 1:I feel like we hear a lot about how, from people who have had sobriety and then turned back, how difficult it is to seek help again, like the shame associated with that.
Speaker 3:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:I'm curious about. How did that play out in your return to your sobriety, that's?
Speaker 3:a good question. So I didn't to me I was not wanting, I didn't want to ask for help, but I was telling myself that nobody's noticing this, but if I don't ask for help, they're not going to see where I'm at. And they were definitely seeing it. But it was definitely hard because I have you know, I worked so hard at that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you had succeeded.
Speaker 3:I had succeeded and it was shameful because a lot of the people that had come into my life now didn't even know I was an addict. I didn't speak to it about them, some of it. It just wasn't something that I brought up with a lot of people. I had even built myself up my job and stuff like that. So it was a lot of shame and guilt in that. But evidently they out, you know, and to me it was embarrassing at the time. But you know what, looking back at it now, like it's not, it was my life and I had, you know, I went through it and it's made me where I'm at right now.
Speaker 2:Well, I know I'm a big fan of Brandon Novak. I don't know if you've ever listened to any of his videos or anything, but I heard him say one time addiction is the one disease that tells us that we don't have a disease. You know, and I've been in that position before, that a disease will actually convince us everything's okay, you know, even though all the evidence is contrary to that. But you know, I've been through a similar situation. Relapse had to rebuild it and it was. It was tough, you know. And I tell people now I don't know if I, I don't know if I have a relapse left in me. You know, I don't want to find out.
Speaker 2:But one thing I'm not sure if I do have is to be able to build it all back again, because it does take. It takes a lot, and I've done it so many times in my life. I'm just exhausted with starting over. Yeah, absolutely. But when it did happen years ago, I had the benefit of knowing that there were people that would help me do it, you know. So I definitely understand where you're coming from. Now, when you had mentioned going to prison, so did drug addiction, alcoholism. Did that lead to that going to prison? Did it play a part in?
Speaker 3:that I started using when I was about 25, 26. It just started off small and then it just led to more and I ended up getting a pretty serious. You know, to me any charge is serious, you know, but it did, and I kind of felt like whenever I went to court over that they were pretty stern with me, even though I had never really been in trouble before. They did put me on probation at first, but I think I violated twice and they kind of stuck it to me which I needed it. You know, at the the time I didn't think I did, but I think that saved my life as well, because I was, I was still in my twenties and I think back at it now and you know I'm very thankful for it. It wasn't something, you know, I would relive not every day if I didn't have to, but you know every day's where I'm at right now, but it definitely played a part in it, absolutely.
Speaker 1:It. I believe you alluded to it a while ago that during that first stint of sobriety, that a large part of your, your sobriety, was busyness. And I'm curious how is it? How is it different now? What are you doing? Different, like, obviously you're busy, but is that your only source of maintaining sobriety?
Speaker 3:No, absolutely not. Coming here and working in a program and doing the 12 steps that we work on, having a sponsor going to meetings, having a support group working I mean it all plays a part in it. I mean I couldn't do it without it. I've saw a change over myself since I've been here and I wish I would have probably done that in my 10 years of sobriety, but I didn't have the resources I have now. I mean, being here at Restoration House has brought so many resources that I didn't know were possible and I think if I would have possibly done that before, it could have worked out different, but not saying that it wouldn't.
Speaker 2:I get it. Yeah, sometimes we have to go through what we have to to get ready to really do the work. I, I know, in my own case I I did have years of sobriety, uh, and I kind of did it the same way, you know, staying busy, staying away, and those things were good things, but I didn't work on underlying stuff the way that the my past, the way the steps will kind of help me face uh, at least get them in the light, not keep them buried, and I think that's been a difference for me. Do you feel the same that that step work has maybe worked on some of that stuff that we kind of pushed down?
Speaker 3:Yeah, absolutely Working on myself, changing my way of thinking my actions. Working on myself changing my way of thinking my actions, I mean looking forward to every day, like not just because we go day by day, but at the same time we want to see a finish line. But there's never a finish line in recovery, ever. That's something you would strive for every day and it's hard work but it will pay off if you continue it. But that's something you have to work at all the time in everything you do every day.
Speaker 2:What would you say the lowest point in your active addiction was? Is there one moment or two that stands out, that like that was the lowest, like I can't take anymore. Like, like, was there a moment for you like that?
Speaker 3:absolutely. Um, I had, of course, this last time I relapsed and I went back out in addiction. Um, I had started dating someone and, um, this, I had gotten a relationship where it was the most I've never been in an abusive relationship. I had, you know, great childhood, perfect, and, but this, I was in my addiction. I have a warrant out for my arrest, but I'm letting this guy beat the crap out of me Just because that's the way I'm living right now and it was not okay and that was my lowest point.
Speaker 3:I wasn't home with my son, I wasn't seeing him, I wasn't checking on my parents like I should.
Speaker 3:I'm just living two hours away in a town I know no one in, but this man I'm with who literally keeps me in the house, I wake up and just, and then he would wake up and then just tackle, you know, just stuff like that, and that's the lowest point in all my addiction. I mean, I had low points, but I remember waking up one morning and I was sick and because I didn't have anything, but that was okay, you know, and then, um, he got up that morning and just because I had got up to stand by the fire, because we had no electricity, we had no running water, um, and it had been like that for weeks and I had a knock on the door and I remember opening it and it was fugitive recovery to get me for my warrant and I was so thankful and that was probably my lowest point. And just to go to jail, to want to go to jail just to get out of the situation I was in, but that was the lowest for me.
Speaker 2:God shows up, he does. Yeah, sometimes we don't see it. You mentioned your probation. You know violation of probation and stuff. It helped you get to part of the path to get where you're at today, because it's it's hard to make it on probation if you can't pass drug tests. Absolutely, I never figured that one out myself, but it's just. You know, it's amazing how God opens doors at the perfect moment when we need it the most. Because now me, knowing you after for several months, like I can't. You know that's just not who you are. You're not going to put up with that today, but you know we learned our lessons the way we had to learn them and um, so what? Uh, like in your recovery day. What's the best part? Is there something you go to that that you have today in recovery that you haven't had before? You hadn't had in a long?
Speaker 3:time, um, trying to think of words. This exactly, um, the greatest part of my recovery right now is learning to be myself again, the person I can be and the person I know I can be, um, not just to myself, but, of course, to my family, my friends, anybody that comes in. I come in contact with you know. Um, there is a point in time, like I said, that I never would speak to anyone, that I was an addiction at some point, but now it's something, it's part of my life and um, I'm happy to speak on it.
Speaker 2:Um, we do recover right yeah, a lot of. Sometimes, you know, we just have some. Where we start at is usually bottom, like well. So there's a lot of good things that happen since then. Sometimes it's just doing a gratitude list. You know it can take quite a while because there's so many good things and it's hard to pick one out that's better than the other right.
Speaker 3:Um, my, I talk to my son every day. Um, he's 18, as I said, but he is one that he tells me every day that he's proud of me. Um, you know he was telling me yesterday that he cannot wait to um I meet his new girlfriend's mother, but know he doesn't shy away from telling people where I'm at. You know he's proud of me regardless of where I went. But that's, I'm going to cry.
Speaker 1:That's really beautiful because you talked about how, when you needed to reenter your recovery journey and how you thought no one like you thought you were getting away with it, but everyone around you knew and to go from that environment where, like you, thought that no one knew, and they're all like oh, here's Deidre again. Exactly. To a place now where your son is proud of the journey you're on. It's beautiful.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I mean, he had called me crying and he was like you know, I miss you so much and I just, I know you're going to get through this program, but he's like I think you should stay even past my mark of graduation, you know, because he has seen me since, you know, since he was born. It's like go through this, yeah, but at the same time he tells me I'm the strongest person he knows and I'll make it. And if anybody can do it, I can do it and I'm going to show him I can.
Speaker 1:Isn't that crazy how often you have people graduate the program and get out the door as fast as possible, but an 18-year-old knows that sometimes it takes a little longer.
Speaker 3:It does.
Speaker 2:Well, they share that journey with us. We do a lot of different things with that. Just like victim impact, decisions do have an effect on others, a ripple effect, if you will but also there's a reversal to that that when we do something good, it has a ripple effect. So they've been on that journey with us. I think, and you know, we become someone else to protect ourselves. But I think recovery does help us get to being who we really closer to, who we really are, and I think when we do that, that's a a likable person, someone and that people want around. So but that's just like trey said, that that's beautiful.
Speaker 2:I'm glad that you're experiencing that and, like I said, I know I've seen you. I know your dad had some health issues. You wasn't here but maybe a month when that happened and I was naturally just concerned Someone in early recovery and having that major incident. But I think you even had to go spend. You know your first overnight pass was over that and and you did everything the right way, as much as you could, the best of your ability. What did that that whole? Where were you at when that happened, mentally, did? Were you still motivated to stay in it or did you start having thoughts?
Speaker 3:um, um, no, um. Well, when I found out, um, my mom called and told me my dad was in the hospital, that they were going to do, um, she had to sign papers for DNR. Um, my dad's 90 years old, Um, I, you know, I. Immediately, she knows how I am. I, just like you know, I need to be there. I could never not be there for my dad. I've always been there. My mom and dad are my rock as well. They've been through me on this journey as well, and so I go.
Speaker 3:I, of course, put my pass in. I cried the whole way there. I probably shit in a drove just right at the point, but I never thought of using. It was how I seen it. As you know, my dad is seeing me do this and I've got to, you know, be there and I'm going to do this, and it was heartbreaking, but it never took me back to that mindset of wanting to use. It just was, if anything, continue to be stronger and still move forward, that I can do this. I mean, we're going to have setbacks, we're going to have things that happen, but that doesn't mean that I have to go back to the person I used to be. It's just going to make me stronger and want to build it even more.
Speaker 2:It's nice to be present and that you're there when your family needs you. You know, for anyone that would have been difficult, but especially when someone's got, of course we're not going to keep someone back from going, regardless of what level they're in. That's important. But you better believe I called your mom oh, absolutely.
Speaker 3:I mean, I would have done the same thing.
Speaker 2:I just wanted to make sure you had everything you needed because, uh, you know you were doing this. You were working hard, you started from scratch and you know you're you've got a vehicle now. You've got a really good job. You're about to start, I know you. Just you know you. You took a job to get started. It wasn't what you wanted to do, but you've worked just as hard at that job as you would any other and and we've seen you step into the leadership role, like I said, and you said, most importantly, you set a positive example for for everyone else, especially new people coming in the program, that it's life on life's terms, it's progress, not perfection, but we have to communicate and we have to ask for help, and you've been an example of that, because it's tough when you come in.
Speaker 3:It really is.
Speaker 2:That you don't know anyone. All you know is you want to get better You're not really sure what that looks like and then to be able to ask someone for help. You know it's easier said than done.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so before we wrap up, Deidre, I just want to give you an opportunity if there is anything else that you want to share before we go.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so when I first come in this program, I come straight out of jail that you want to share before we go. Yeah, so when I first come in this program, I come straight out of jail. I was only there two months, but I've never worked a program before in any way. Like I said, I've never been to meetings, I've never had a sponsor, I've never been in a treatment facility. I was in prison five years. But this is a great experience. I would say that, being here, I'm so thankful for everything Restoration House has done for me, but, at the same time, everything it's helped me do for myself and doing for myself every day.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean, I think that we, I think we learned, uh, or I learned something new about addiction today, and just that, like it, it doesn't have to be a perfect journey, you know, like there can be a hiccup here and there, and it's still be a part of uh, a beautiful story to get there, and we know that, uh stories, uh stories are how we impact others around us, and so, uh, deidre, thanks for joining us today. To our listeners, thanks for listening, thank you.