Unpolished Recovery
Unpolished Recovery fearlessly dives into the raw and unfiltered tales of triumph over addiction and alcoholism. We believe that true healing begins when we embrace our stories' messy, imperfect aspects. Whether you're someone seeking inspiration on your path to recovery, a friend or family member supporting a loved one, or simply a curious listener, this podcast offers eye-opening and uplifting insights.
Unpolished Recovery
A New Dawn with Brittany
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Welcome to the latest heartfelt discussion at Unpolished Recovery, where the gritty realities of sobriety's journey take the spotlight. Our guest today, Brittany, offers an inspiring message of hope as she recounts her transformation from the grip of addiction to a source of support and inspiration at Restoration House. Her story is not just a tale of overcoming struggles but a powerful testament to the joy and laughter that can be rediscovered in life's daily moments. Through her experiences, we're reminded of the profound impact that personal choice has in steering the course of recovery – a theme that resonates deeply with anyone facing similar battles.
Recovery Stories With Brittany
Speaker 1Welcome back to Unpolished Recovery. My name is Trey. Those stories of recovery start with how bad life was, how they entered recovery and how great life is now. And that's Unpolished Story.
Speaker 2My name's Chris. I'm your co-host of Unpolished Recovery. First I'd like to thank everyone that has listened to the episodes. We've had the pleasure of getting to know the many guests here, and we know what a remarkable story they have and what remarkable people they are. So at least what we can do is just put their story out there. So, staying with that, we've got another wonderful guest named Brittany. Now Brittany is a graduate of Restoration House and also recently came on full-time as a staff member. Brittany, how long would you say you had clean, sober?
Speaker 3I'm going on about nine months.
Speaker 2Nine months. So you came to us through treatment, which you know in past episodes we discussed that. You know some come from incarceration, some come from treatment regardless, looking for help. So kind of do you want to just start us off and tell us, you know, look back at that day you went into treatment. Versus today, what's the differences between the Brittany we know today and that Brittany that went into treatment that first day?
Speaker 3the Brittany we know today and that Brittany that went into treatment that first day. So when I went into treatment I was probably just broke down, you know, full of shame, guilt, I had lost all rights to my kids. I was unwilling to take suggestions. I was completely objective to any sense of authority. I was probably violent, full of anger and rage. Versus today. I'm willing to take any suggestion given to me. I don't make any drastic decisions without talking to my sponsor. I'm doing therapy, I've got visitation back to my kids. I'm working a program. I'm submissive to authority.
Speaker 2It's like night and day well, I, I remember the day you came here versus now, and the one thing that automatically steps out or uh comes to mind is like you laugh a lot more, you. You seem like you're having a good time most of the time. We all have our struggles, but you, you can get that sense of joy, what, uh? So you said you went to treatment. What? What motivated that outside of just the condition of your life that you were describing? Was it legal? Had had you been mandated by the court, or were you just at that point where you know, if you didn't do something you were going to die, or all above?
Speaker 3um, I'm not court mandated this time. The times in my past, um, they were court mandated. Of course. This time it's on my own will. I was just tired of the way I was living. I was tired of subjecting myself to the things I was having to do to get through the day and, like I said, I lost all rights to my kids, and that motivated me a lot so that the kids, that that was kind of the the uh final push was the situation with your children and uh, trade, you have something yeah, I'm curious when you have switched from your journey of being mandated to be here or in treatment and then to it being your choice, what are some major changes you've seen in progress than you didn't in prior attempts?
Speaker 3I just actually talked to my therapist about this. That's funny. So I'm actually working the steps. I've got a sponsor this time. I'm putting in effort this time, whereas when it was mandated, I was just doing it to get the courts off my back or to get CPS off my back Whoever was on my back. I was just doing the next thing to get them off my back. So this time it's significantly different. I'm doing all the things different, like talking to a therapist, having a sponsor, working the steps, doing whatever is suggested or anything that I'm told to do. I do it, regardless of wanting to do it or not. That's, that's not I don't know the word I'm looking for. That wouldn't be. It doesn't matter. If I want to do it this time, I do it because my ways never worked. Um, these people have been doing this for a long time, so if they tell me to do something, I do it.
Speaker 1Yeah, I'm curious, now that you you have that understanding of the different ways you've gone about it, Now you're working and you're working with clients who probably have that mindset that you're talking about, of like I'm just buying my time and I've heard I think I've heard a lot of people talk about this just being like so incredibly frustrating, and so I'm curious what your perspective on that is.
Speaker 3Since I'm fairly new, you know I'm just now getting a taste of that, but it is like it can be frustrating and it's also um, it also tugs at your heart. You know what I mean. Like, because you know, no matter how much you push them or or no matter how much you tell them, you know you don't have to live like this anymore, that they're not going to understand that until they understand it, and there's nothing you can do to change where they're at in their mind. At that point in time, all you can do is hope that you can plant a seed and that something you say or something you do they'll remember when they are ready.
Speaker 2Yeah, that mentality when you come in as a participant in the the program, because even when someone is does want help and you know they're looking for a change. Coming into a structured program like restoration house is an adjustment. It's a big difference than what we're used to. The accountability things like that walking in you know your first 30 days facing that has that. Does that allow you to relate to other people that are coming in their first 30 days?
Speaker 3yeah, you just, you know, you just got to try to tell them this first 30 days is the hardest. Once you get through that first 30 days, that level one status, and you make it into level two, that's when the real, real miracle happens. You know, that's when you start to see if you're really putting an effort in. Hey, all these things that they're requiring me to do are for a reason, they're making a difference, and that's when the light bulb kind of comes on. Is that level two? So if you can get them to push through that first 30 days of where everything feels like it's hitting them at one time, where it feels so overwhelming that they're asking so much of you, they have a fighting chance well, I think a lot of time too, just walking in the door.
Speaker 2You know we live in active addiction is the motto's dta don't trust anybody. And because out in the street you trust the wrong person, it can cost you dearly. So I do think, at least in my experience. You know that's first 30 days. The participants, also evaluating staff, say are these people about what they say they're about? Are they going to give up on me if I don't get everything right, if I'm not perfect, or am I going to be discharged? You know it is. Am I meeting the expectations? Uh, so I think a lot of that goes in there. It's scary.
Speaker 2Going in somewhere new not knowing anyone, um, and it's all a lot. For a lot of us it's foreign concepts. Going to a meeting every day, calling a stranger that I met last night at a meeting once a day, getting in this step work which is requiring me to look inward instead of outward For someone new. It is scary and I tell myself I've been doing this for several years and I tell myself that I can't save anyone. My goal is to give them the same opportunity that I was so graciously given. So you know that helps me day in and day out, because sometimes I want it more for them than they want it and you know that doesn't work long term, but going back like like, what was your drug of choice?
Speaker 3my drug of choice was methamphetamine, but I've, I've done it all. I didn't discriminate if I couldn't find that. Whatever was around, I would do it I know that, but that.
Speaker 2So what's the longest before you before this? Almost nine months. What was the longest you had, had you ever been able to maintain your sobriety?
Speaker 3uh, up to that point when you entered treatment about this point, about nine months is what I would make it to well, I seen, I heard some hesitation, like a jinx or something. Yeah, almost yeah.
Speaker 1How do you feel about that, like where you're at right now?
Speaker 3It freaks me out a little bit. Well, I said that the other day and someone was like it doesn't freak you out, you're letting it freak you out.
Speaker 1It still freaks you out. Yeah, it's still freaking me out, it still freaks you out, but I'm freaking me out, but I'm doing.
Speaker 3You know, I keep getting all this reassurance that I'm doing things differently. Like the pile of things I'm doing differently versus the pile of the things that are the same.
Speaker 3There's no comparison yeah, you know what I mean, like I've chosen a job that is surrounded in recovery. That you know. Working in recovery, calling a sponsor I'm doing the steps, I'm doing all the things you know. Working in recovery, calling a sponsor I'm doing the steps. I'm doing all the things you know differently therapy, submission to the rules, which has never been my thing, you know, and that's, that's a lot when you come to this program, because there's a lot of rules. So you know all the things are different this time, but it's, it's still got that fear around it. You know what I mean, that you know all the things are different this time, but it's, it's still got that fear around it. You know what I mean, that you know I do this every time. I make it to this point every time and then I just decide to go back. So I've just got to stay focused and keep the faith that all the things different is going to keep me on this path.
Speaker 1Yeah, so you still have to talk to your sponsor.
Speaker 3Every day.
Speaker 1That tone in my voice is because we talk to Chris is commonly talking about people who have end up going back down the wrong path because they all of a sudden think they don't need a sponsor anymore.
Speaker 2Oh yeah, absolutely, and I've been that guy though, by the way, you know in my past that well, I'm better now. So, just like medicine, if I get better, I don't have to take my medicine anymore, and I've made that mistake and slowly stopped doing those things. But you know one thing you might. What you're saying, what I'm hearing, is that things are different this time because you're different. You're not the same person you were. And the one way for me I gauge am I as intentional and as intense about my recovery as I was when I wanted that 30-day chip? If those areas are, if that's close, I'm right where I need to be, and it's hard After years, it's hard to maintain that intensity.
Speaker 2But we don't allow ourselves to get too comfortable. You know that helps keep a reminder that, hey, I'm still sick. I do have a disease. It takes long-term treatment, long-term in the sense of the rest of my life and as long as I remember that, I'm a lot farther ahead than I used to be, you know. So what? Uh, what's some of the? Since you got clean sober? You know I, I've, I've worked with you since you got here and and now that you you work here, an employment standpoint as well. I've seen a lot of growth, but I know it's not been perfect and I know it's not been easy at times. So, looking at this last eight and a half nine months, what's been the most difficult things you've come up against in recovery? What's the hardest part?
Navigating Recovery and Mentorship Balance
Speaker 3It's all hard. You know what I mean. None of it's easy. It's some days something will bother me and then the next day it'll be like, okay, whatever, you know, like life's going to throw trials at me, you know, and those trials are going to come daily. It's not, it's all about how I, how I deal with it.
Speaker 3So, like, one of the main struggles that I had when I first got here was not accepting everyone or meeting them, being able to meet them where they were at, when people were doing it for me. You know, because I have very little patience, you know, like as an addict, I want what I want. I want it now and I want it to go my way, and this program just doesn't suit to that. You know, this program isn't going to let you have things the way you want it and it's not on your time, it's on the program's time. So for me, that was something I had to really adjust to, and especially now taking on a role as part of the staff, you know, like I have to remember that these girls I used to be these girls.
Speaker 3Six months ago I was these girls. I was in the same spot they were in and people were meeting me where I was at, people were loving me back to life when I couldn't love myself. So that takes mindfulness. You know, I really have to practice that, like I've talked myself almost like okay, you, you know, brittany, you were here six months ago. What helped you when you were there and I just you know, that's some of my main things is patience, mindfulness and just meeting everyone where they're at when they come in.
Speaker 2Well, you and I talk about it. I talk about this with everyone that I work with. As far as working in, recovery is not our recovery, and that's something that you know, I say constantly. I drill it in everyone's head because, you know, through the years I've seen a lot of people make that mistake. You know that we've got to take care of ourselves. Do you believe that you're taking care of yourself today?
Speaker 3first, and then handling things after that. Yes, like I still have the goals you know, like getting visitation back to my kids. I've still got things I have to take care of within myself. So I'm still doing my therapy every other week. I'm still talking to my sponsor. The rules are I only have to talk to her once a week. I probably talk to my sponsor at least five days out of the week. I talk to my sponsor all the time. I still have a home group. I still go to that meeting every week.
Speaker 3Then there's this check-in meeting on Sundays that I still go to that meeting every week, you know. And then there's this, uh, check-in meeting on Sundays that I really like to attend. It's, um, a bunch of people that have been in recovery a little longer, you know. And uh, it's an AA group and I'm usually not fond of those, but I really like this group. You know it's just a check-in meeting, like there's no topic, it's just, hey, what's been going on in your week, good or bad, you know. You know it's just a check-in meeting, like there's no topic, it's just, hey, what's been going on in your week, good or bad, you know, nobody talks on it, it's just getting that off your chest and with the job I've taken on, that's really helpful, you know. And then there's nobody from here that goes to that meeting, whereas my home group, the house, goes to that meeting. So it gives me that freedom to be able to get something off my chest.
Speaker 1That's happened during the week that I wouldn't normally be able to do in my Wednesday night group good idea so you're talking um, I just think that it takes a lot of intentionality, uh, to say, okay, I'm going gonna work with these people all day, and then half the week you're going to meetings with the people you work with and then saying that's not, that wasn't for me. You know, maybe it was a little bit, but that wasn't for me. Now it's time to go take care of myself, and I think that's kind of where where sometimes the disconnect happens. I would assume absolutely.
Speaker 2There's no separation. Um, like I said, it goes from having my own recovery to just and my work, working in recovery all becomes one. There's no separation. When it's work, it's hard for me to remember that my life's at stake. Yeah, you know that I have that disease. So, you know, at restoration house I will say this like top to bottom, everyone that works here believes in that philosophy. Uh, the uh, the people I report to so when, that, when I have people that are under my supervision, I push the same things because it's one of the most someone that's been around longer than me has more experience, you know, pass that along to me. It's one of the great things about just recovery in general. You know, people that have had these experiences before I have are just happy to share it. You know, yeah, um, and I was like you.
Speaker 2You know, there was a time in my life when I just what I knew everything. That was my job, knowing everything in the world. I was just terrible at it, you know, and I thought I had it figured out. Even working a, I'd do great for a month or two, a few months, and then I'd start changing it. Instead of being, you know, in recovery I started becoming. Chris Sober is what I called it, because it was sobriety on my terms. Yeah, and the thing about it is that's not long-term. You know I'd be very fortunate if I got 60 days Chris sober. Yeah, you know. So you know I've had a lot of the whole organization does that. They want us to take care of ourselves first. You know, always put our recovery first and if we're struggling or if, uh, we've got something personal in our life that's, you know, very difficult deal with, to share that with them.
Speaker 1So you know, the entire way that I operate is because of the people before me, how they train me to to operate with other people in recovery so as you're, uh, britney, as you're like mapping out the next um, I don't know, three months of your life and in your current um, job and things like, as well as your own recovery, I'm curious what obstacles you foresee that you're going to start facing now that your recovery isn't the only thing that you're worried about. You know that you're thinking about other people's recovery as well.
Speaker 3Now, um, also I don't. I try not to future trip you know.
Speaker 1Well then, the next two weeks, then okay, that's still future.
Speaker 3I don't live, you know, I mean, as an addict. I have to live in today, like I can have goals, but I can't predict the future. I can't foresee what's going to happen in two weeks. All I can do is do the next right thing, and if I question doing something, I push the pause and I ask leadership or my sponsor someone that may have a different insight on what's going on for help and guidance.
Speaker 2Yeah, I didn't know any better. I thought somebody had been listening the last several months and she's been writing this stuff down.
Speaker 1Yeah, she's just kind of spitting what you say.
Journey From Addiction to Recovery
Speaker 2Well, that's what we want you know and then hopefully pass it forward so you know if you're willing to go here. Active addiction how long was you in, say active addiction, like how long you know, when you began, when you crossed that line into being more than just recreationally or social, when did, and then until you got in recovery, how long was that?
Speaker 3So I was probably addicted to people before I was ever addicted to drugs. So I've been doing this a long time, probably since I was about 13, and I'll be 28 in September 13 and I'll be 28 in September.
Speaker 2Uh, during that time, you know, I know you mentioned the, the, the factors that push that led you to getting in treatment. What was the lowest point? If you could, if it's possible to single out one or two experiences, what was the lowest point of your active addiction?
Speaker 3my lowest point was probably. So when my dad passed away, my mom and kids still lived in my childhood home. Well, it was out in the middle of nowhere, so like the house was up on a hill and then if you cross the road there was like a horse pasture, slash cornfield, and then there was a creek that ran through that, so probably about a mile distance. Well, my mom wouldn't allow me in the home anymore, so I just pinched a tent down at the creek because I could see the driveway. So I was like watching them get on the school bus every morning, but I wasn't allowed around them. I could hear them up there playing in the afternoon.
Speaker 3You know, just like I said, it was in the middle of nowhere, so there was no means to get anything. You know, just like I said, it was in the middle of nowhere, so there was no means to get anything. You know what I mean. So when I would see my mom's Jeep leave, I would go to the house and like steal food or clothes or you know what I mean hide out in the house until I heard her Jeep pull up and I'd run out the back. You know just stuff like that Homelessness, doing whatever it took to get my next fix, I had no bottom doing. Whatever it took to get my next fix, I had no bottom. You know what I mean? Everything was free game. At that point, it didn't matter how degrading it was.
Speaker 2I used to tell people that my rock even if I hit rock bottom, I'd just get a shovel. I could create a new bottom. So like when you went into treatment, what were you? Homeless then, or or?
Speaker 3was that around the same time you're describing um? So that was probably about, I don't know. About two or three, three months later I had bounced around you know places to place. I went further out to country, wide at that, I don't know. I had gotten to a situation with a man and he let me borrow his vehicle and he didn't get what he wanted. So then he reported it stolen. And then, you know, I was like well, he reported it stolen, so I'm gonna go to jail for it. Anyways, they're gonna, I'm just gonna drive around until they catch me in it. Well, they, they caught me in it. So I went to jail. They caught me with some meth on me.
Speaker 3So I did about 30 days in Montgomery County where they caught me, and then they transferred me to Stewart County, which is where the vehicle was registered. I did about 30 days there. I got out, called my mom. That's when I found out they had took all rights to my kids while I was incarcerated. When I found out they had took all rights to my kids while I was incarcerated and I called the same people I was hanging out with where I got the vehicle from and they come and picked me up and within six hours I was getting high again and I was like, no, I'm not doing this again. So I stole their phone and started calling treatment center. They picked me up the next morning started calling treatment center.
Speaker 2They picked me up the next morning. Now I remember when you first came in, and that was a big topic. I remember how defeated you look like. I remember trying to tell you that you know, just hang in there. You don't know what the future holds. You know, uh, miracles happen. But I remember just that it's.
Speaker 2One thing that sticks out to me is that to me it felt like you believed you'd already done too much damage. There was no way to, you know, repair that and my heart broke for you because I could see it in your face. And then this weekend I see you with your children and your mother, you know, uh, attending church and having a good time. And I thought back I didn't mention it to you because I didn't want to put you on the spot, but when I seen you, you know, talking to your children, that's what I thought about, you know. And then I had no choice but to give praise to my higher power.
Speaker 2You know that miracles do happen all the time. I have to slow down to see them, but even though I wasn't the one that did the work, I still felt good for you, like I, just I was so happy to see the turnaround, because you are a miracle. You realize that you are a miracle. Looking back on our past, we shouldn't have made it here. But not only did you make it here, you're thriving, you're contributing, you're adding value to every situation. So I seen that and you know it was. It was nice. You know, I knew how, what you had to do to accomplish that, and so do you. Do you think now that anything's possible?
Speaker 3or so, like I was, I was just talking to my therapist about this. This is funny. She said she primed me for you. She said you're welcome. So I feel that, but I also know that, like so, I have this disease that's never going to go away. One wrong decision or one action that I didn't think through all the way could revert me back to that day that I walked in here, and it may not take two hours for it to do that. So I'm still kind of fighting with that. You know what I mean. Like, I've been here before, I've done this before, I've got visitation back, I've got rights back, I've got all these things. I've done all these things before without doing all the things that I've done this time. So I still fight with that a little bit. Um, just trying to talk through it. You, you know, bring it to light.
Speaker 3You feel like it's too good to be true, sometimes I haven't hit that point yet because, like I said, I've been here, I've done this before without doing all these things, you know. So it's like everybody's like were you doing everything different this time? And I'm like, yeah, but I've done this without doing everything different. You know, like I've beat the system and gotten this far without doing it, so I haven't made it to this, I haven't made it to that anything's possible yet, point. You know what I mean. Because I haven't. I don't know how to explain it.
Speaker 1I just haven't reached that point yet so do you feel like you're operating with like a sense of fear or healthy fear? Is it healthy? I mean, that's what I'm asking. I mean you can have healthy fears, but I don't know. Are you there yet? Or would you say that you're like in a constant kind of state of fear that that could happen? Or do you think you've kind of cultivated into this healthy hesitation maybe I don't I don't know what word I'm looking for there like where you're aware of it, but it's not something that you feel like is chasing you yeah, I'm definitely aware of it, but it's not chasing me, you know, like it's I.
Speaker 3So I guess it is healthy, you know, um, just knowing that it is there and it is possible. You know what I mean. Like, the main thing that I worry about is inserting my kids back in, inserting myself back into my kids' life, you know, yeah, and then knowing that my disease is never going to go away. So, like over the weekend, I've seen the damage that I've caused to them, you know, and I just don't want to continue that cycle. So I have to continue to be mindful and continue to do all the things that I wasn't doing previously. So I don't continue that cycle.
Speaker 2Well, I think everything you're experiencing well in our world is normal. We do. We start to experience some success and goodness, we don't want to lose it, you know. Sometimes maybe it's asking well, why is this time different? Well, I believe you answered that you did get some results and not put the work in before. Did it last? No, no, this time you are putting the work in so that it does last, and I agree with you.
Speaker 2I've struggled with addiction for many, many years and I know that I will be at least in my recovery. I'll be an addict until the day I die. I'm in recovery, but I have the disease of addiction and no, does it go away. No, but it goes into remission. All I got to do is continue the treatment. I know that if I continue to work a program, I continue to practice the things I've learned in recovery keep a support network, be open and honest in all my affairs.
Speaker 2I'm not going to use today. That's all I got to do. I just don't use today and I have a lot more tools now than I ever have. Yes, I'm still an addict, but I don't have to use chemicals to deal with life anymore. I can deal with that life's on life on life's terms, and I have people around me that they're willing to piss me off in order to make sure I don't get started off on that road again. But I don't have to and I've created a life for myself where it's easier not to use. It takes time, it takes time, so unhealthy healthy I'll leave that to your therapist, you know. But I think you're right where you need to be today. It's okay to appreciate things and it's okay to value it and not be willing to let go of it too easy, and I do think it's good.
Speaker 2You're thinking, hey, let's play in the tape all the way through, like I've done some damage during my active addiction and it may take some time to repair that. But one thing I can do is not make it worse. I can learn from my mistakes. So you know the the lessons I learned at two years, clean, sober I wasn't at the point that I could learn them at seven months. I just kept showing up every day. I know there's probably some slogans a lot of people get tired of hearing, but I have to live by them because it keeps it simple for me. Keep showing up, practice, honesty and all my affair. Do it one day at a time, you know.
Speaker 2But you know I said there's nothing wrong with value and what you have and always striving to be the best version of of ourselves, that we can be right. So I, I know I mean it. Sometimes it takes someone close to us. Look, and I've seen the growth. You're a very resilient person. Uh, you do not give up easy. Um, you know. So I believe. Even if you don't know what to do, you're gonna look for the answer, you're gonna ask somebody. So, and I think that's saying something. So, like I said, I also seen that I know you might there's we've all done some damage, but I but I seen the way your kids smile at you. It wasn't all damage.
Speaker 3No, they're definitely resilient, they're so.
Speaker 1Yeah, well, before we wrap up, uh, brittany, anything else you want to share with our listeners or someone who might be in the same place as you are, or even earlier, in their recovery journey?
Speaker 3Don't quit before the miracle happens.
Speaker 1Yeah, All right, we haven't done it in a while. Chris, if we have a new listener, stumble upon us. Will you tell them a little bit about Restoration House?
Speaker 2Well, restoration House is a recovery support program, commonly known as Halfway House. But we don't refer to our program as a halfway house because it's much more than that. We actually work the basics of recovery Recovery 101, we kind of plug into a support network. It's a highly structured program with a high level accountability. Uh, it's six months, but one of the best things about the program is when you graduate, you can stay as long as you need to. As an alumni, it's nice not to have in that time limit. Uh, we've had people that's been here as much as two years. We've seen people, hundreds of people, rebuild their life and are doing better than they ever have, or at least in a long time. So, but we have an application online. You can go to crossbridgeincorg, go to restoration house.
Speaker 1We stay pretty full, so you know especially some of these legacy people sticking around forever, right yep? If you want to learn more about crossbridge or seek help, you can visit us at crossbridgingorg. We know addiction is not going to get better with tougher laws, but it's going to get better. From people sharing about their experience and what they've learned, we know that that every person's story is impactful. It matters to our listeners. Thanks for joining us today.